Hi, I'm Jorge Jingell, better known as the Creep of the Lindontown Mall and Premium Outlets. Here's an excerpt from one of my memoirs, which were obviously critically acclaimed and called "cringetastic" by Breitbart.
It was a cool November evening when my old employer, Wallace Malice, decided to ring me up and ask me if I'd still be interested in being his shopping mall's Santer Klaus for the winter. It was November so I said no. But that didn't stop me from driving to the mall anyway.
At 9:30 PM, I arrived at the mall. It was set to close by 10 and I had only just parked my car. "There's still time," I told myself and the guy I had tied up in the back. Said guy told me, "Ya gotta go fast, à la Sanic, if you want to get the greatest deals on the greatest meals."
To procure the greatest deals, I ran into the first store I saw. "Master Swag's Vape Mart", I believe it was. I bought six rlly randumb items and then turned to see the cashier's hyperrealistic eyes. "Lol," I told the idiot. "You drop out of high school?" I was beat up and thrown into a dumpster. But good ol' Jingell couldn't be stopped and he still had fifteen minutes before the mall closed.
I was about to stop into the Crocs store to buy some fashionable shoes and make me feel better about my horrid life. Wallace Malice, owner of the mall, stopped me and asked me why I came over. "You declined my offer," he began, "and now I want to consume your insides."
Dodging Mr. Malice, I tripped and fell right into a Santer Klaus outfit. "I was only kiddin' when I toldja I wouldn't be Santer Klaus," I told my old boss. His hyperrealistic eyes stared into my soul. "You got the same eyes as that cashier back there," I noted. Just then, a kid passed by. Knowing that I had to be Santer Klaus to avoid being gruesomely murdered and subsequently eaten from the inside out, I said hi to the child.
My unkempt hair and disgustingly untrimmed nosehairs must've creeped out the kid, because before you could say "Trump 2016", I was being arrested for child abuse. "At least I won't have to greet children or fear my cannibalistic former manager any longer," I said with a sigh. As I was being taken to the cop car, my kidnappee exited my trunk and tried to defend me. My best friend! Unfortunately, he accidentally mentioned that I had used hate speech while waterboarding him the last time. Now I'd have hate crimes on my public records. Could my mall experience get any more fun-filled?
As I was being driven to prison, I sang my own version of "Jingle Bells", with my coincidental surname substituted for "jingle". What a fun night that was. Oh, and I almost forgot. I would later witness a murder and it was pretty creepy. Now I shall be inducted as a creepypasta legend. Peace.